More from Kaboom Schneider: The Studly Son

My friend Kaboom is back with another guest post! I could get used to this. Many of you heard about The Gifted Son, and now he presents… The Studly Son. Love it. You can find him over at Kaboom Industries.

The Studly Son
By Kaboom J. Schneider

It’s a fact that girls mature faster than boys. It’s true they are smarter. I wonder if people will argue those statements in the comments section? I suppose those that do, have forgotten their childhood – or are men.

I’ve known many men who were made rich and famous only because their wives had the brains and business sense. They had great talent but no business sense. They happily admit to their shortcomings and appreciation of their smarter half.

My 12-year-old son, Noah, has not realized his predicament with girls and I’m trying to use my knowledge to help him accept the facts of life and take advantage of it. In this case, his mother just can’t see into the male libido and advise him as I can.

I have always tried to impress upon my sons that it’s perfectly acceptable for boys to have friends that are girls but not “girlfriends.” I use my relationship with women, who are close friends, to show my sons that friendship is based on trust, respect and love and it can be open to anyone regardless of gender, color, creed, size or shape. I’m proud to say that the boys have been very open to that lesson where people are concerned… but girls still present a problem for my clueless sons. The girls want to move beyond the “friend zone.”

While prying more out of my son than a 12-year-old wants their father to do, I managed to find out there was a bevy of girls who called themselves, “The Noah Club.” The sole purpose — the worship of Noah and awaiting his awakening as someone they can date and call, “boyfriend.”

“Oh, those little hussies!” I think to myself and then remember the lost chances I had as a moody teen who ignored all signs that a girl liked me. On Facebook, I am connected with many fellow summer campers from my youth, and the adult admissions of crushes and unrequited love make me sad and feel that I passed up so many wonderful memories that could have changed my youth. So, perhaps living vicariously through my son, as does a stage mom (father?), I try to convince Noah that having a club of fans is something that cannot, and should not, be ignored.

“Why don’t you eat lunch with them?” I often ask. No luck. He’d rather eat with his video-gaming geek friends. Video games are his first love right now.

“Are any of them friends?” I pry, hoping he is at least on speaking terms with them. Nope.

“Would you like to be friends with any of them?” This is when he turns red and changes the subject.

My fear is that when he is ready to date, the members of the club will have found someone else worthy of their affections and he will experience the same unrequited love now suffered by members of his fan club. Some Justin Bieber look-alike will come along and Noah will be out.

When I was a teen, my father would also pry into my life, asking if there were any girls I liked. I once made the mistake of replying, “yes.”

His advice was to ask her to do our homework together or to stop for some pizza after school. I was too shy to do either and naturally found out years later that the object of my affection WANTED me to do just that. There is one thing that all men have in common and that’s the fact that we all are frightened of girls at some point in our life. Twice for me if you count my post-divorce years! But dad was right, and I will never admit that to his face!

As with any good parent, I want my children to have a smooth life without the emotional traumas we all suffered in our teen years. We want to give them our lessons and hope they walk through their adult life happy and therapy-free. I am, however, torn between that and where I am today as an adult. One cannot deny that a bit of trauma makes one a stronger and kinder adult. The popular kids in my high school went nowhere in life and carbs and hair-loss hit them harder than any alumni. Still, I don’t want Noah to be viewed as a “heart-breaker” by a bunch of adolescent girls. They might torture him later, substituting the passion of love with the same level of passion in hate… just as Justin Bieber will eventually face.

Eventually, he will start to notice girls in “that way” and I hope he will turn to me for advice. I am at least smart enough to know I need to keep my mouth shut while driving him and his date to the movies and getting lost until they need a ride home, and then parking far enough away so he can nervously await a kiss on his cheek by his smarter date. I am also smart enough to know not to ask him questions about his date.

There’s one thing I’m not sure I know how to explain to him. When he does pick someone from “The Noah Club” to ask out – how will he deflect the hurt feelings from the other club members who he didn’t choose? Maybe his smarter mother had better handle that explanation.

Kaboom Schneider has worked for such human companies as MAD Magazine (Warner Bros.), Hallmark Cards, Golden Books Family Entertainment, and has created products for Disney/Pixar, Harley-Davidson, ESPN, DC and Marvel Comics, American Greetings, SmartHealth, American Express Publishing, Scholastic, United Media, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, Merck, the N.Y. Daily News, The New York Times and other firms eventually exterminated by the Most Benevolent Giant Robot Overlord.

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