Me: (Typing) Wait…OK…I didn’t mean to cut you off, I was just writing to tell my publisher that I am 350 words away from being finished with my book.
Guy: Great! Let’s get you a glass of wine to celebrate and get you to bed!
Me: But it’s not done… I still have 350 words.
Guy: Look, You’re 350 fucking words from finishing; I have seen you write 350-word texts! It’s hard to get you NOT to say 350 words whenever you open your mouth. Drink the wine and get your ass in bed. NOW. Wait—did you take your vitamin?
Me: YES. God.
Guy: Good, because I just quit smoking and if you fucking die on me I’ll be really pissed.